28 Hilarious Jokes From Some of the Funniest Stage-Gracers of All Time

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28 Hilarious Jokes From Some of the Funniest Stage-Gracers of All Time

Okay, so it’s not a ticket to the Comedy Store, but this list of jokes from the best comedians ever is pretty darn close! You might not get that same live-show experience, but that also means you’re safe from being picked on by the comedian. 

We can do that though, if you really want. It’s hard to be specific since we can’t see you, but we’re sure you’re wearing a dumb shirt or something. Burn! 

Steven Wright (One Last Time)

Steven Wright on His Dog I spilled spot remover on my dog and now he's gone.

Eugene Mirman

Eugene Mirman on Parenthood I don't have a kid. I think that I would be a good father-especially if my baby liked to go out drinking.

Aisha Tyler

Aisha Tyler on Meat If God didn't want us to eat meat, he would have made cows run faster. Anything you can hunt by tiptoeing up to it and hitting in the head with a rock deserves to be dinner.

Dana Gould

Dana Gould on How Birth Connects Us All It's easy to go through life putting people down because they're different from you, but no matter who you are or where you're from, we all enter the world the same way: When we're born, we're naked, covered in blood and screaming in terror. And that sort of thing doesn't have to stop there if you know how to live right.

Wanda Sykes

Wanda Sykes on Free Drinks Guys don't buy you free drinks like they used to. the good old days? You'd go to your local bar, and the bartender would come over and say, 'Excuse me, ma'am, the gentleman way over there in the corner, he would like to buy you a drink.' You would say, 'Okay, thank you. Beautiful,' you would get your drink, and then the greatest thing of all: Не would keep his ass way over there in the corner and leave you the hell alone.

Michelle Wolf

Michelle Wolf on Jobs I got fired from my last job. It was fair. I had stopped working. When they fired me, they called me into HR, and they were like, 'Michelle, it seems like you're just not doing your job.' And I was like, 'Yeah, but for like nine months. So I think two of us haven't been doing our jobs.

Billy Connolly

Billy Connolly on 'The Simpsons' A biker goes to the doctor with hearing problems. 'Can you describe the symptoms to me?' 'Yes. Homer is a fat yellow lazy bastard, and Marge is a skinny bird with big blue hair!

Margaret Cho

Margaret Cho on George W. Bush George Bush isn't Hitler. Не could be if he applied himself.

Norm Macdonald

Norm Macdonald on Quitting Smoking I went to a hypnotist. Не put me under a spell, and every time I had a craving for a cigarette, I would throw up. It's very embarrassing right after sex. I find it pretty hard to get that second date after that. Girls get all snobby after you barf on them.

Tig Notaro

Tig Notaro on Politics I'm not the most politically active person, but I'm trying to get better about that. What I've been doing is just showing up to any given rally and marching with a sign that just says, 'Yeah, totally.' You have to start somewhere. Just gotta ease in.

Joe Machi

Joe Machi on Theme Parks Went to the rollercoaster, used my fast , and realized I enjoyed the cutting way more than the stupid rides.

Taylor Tomlinson

Taylor Tomlinson on Marriage I'm not saying I don't want to get married. I do; I just know I'm not ready yet. Sometimes, I think I'm ready; I see the posts, and I feel the emptiness, and I want to get married. But then I eat bread, and I feel so much better.

Kevin James

Kevin James on Thanksgiving Thanksgiving, man. Not a good day to be my pants.

Garry Shandling

Garry Shandling on His Penis I went to my doctor and told him, 'My penis is burning.' Не said, 'That means somebody is talking about it.

D.L. Hughley

D.L. Hughley on Self- Paranoia Did you ever have the police follow you for so long that you get suspicious about your own goddamn self? 'Maybe I did kill them people.

Patton Oswalt

Patton Oswalt on the Invention of the Circus We're gonna put up a tent on the outskirts of town, and we're gonna fill it with depressed animals walking slowly. Did I say walking? I meant trudging. Trudging counterclockwise in an oval. And while they do it, we're going to play creepy calliope music over them-their spirits broken, no connection to the wild.'''

Patrice O’Neal

Patrice O'Neal on Football When I came up, football was gladiator; it was angry. When we hit somebody when I played, and he didn't get up, we didn't hold hands with the other team and pray for him to get up. We used to do a hump dance circle around him, and our crowd's like, 'HE'S-PA-RA-LYZED!' We'd be looking for his mother crying and be like, 'That's right, lady, that's what you get for letting him out here with killers!

Rodney Dangerfield

Rodney Dangerfield on Bartenders I was tired one night, and I went to the bar to have a few drinks. The bartender asked me, 'What'll you have?' I said, 'Surprise me.' Не showed me a naked picture of my wife.

Jen Kirkman

Jen Kirkman on Her Divorce I love being divorced. It's been four years, but people still get upset; they still worry about me. It's really just a legal term meaning no one's farted in my bed in four years.

Nikki Glaser

Nikki Glaser on Being a Late Bloomer I'm bad at sex. That's what I've concluded. It's fine; I'm okay with it because I got a late start. I'm learning. I didn't have sex until I was 21 because I was saving myself for Jesus, which luckily was my gardener's name. So that worked out. Yeah, I found a loophole in my dad's rule.

Richard Lewis

Richard Lewis on Therapy I quit therapy. because my analyst was trying to help me behind my back.

Maria Bamford

Maria Bamford's Advice from Her Mother My mother told me before I went to my first girl-boy party in the eighth grade, 'Maria, what we talked about: Gonorrhea, syphilis, herpes, one-two... Watch the cold sores... Date rape is a lot more common than people think... You look so gorgeous... You were conceived in Groton, Connecticut in one night at a campsite... I'm not saying you weren't planned, I'm just saying Bamfords get pregnant like falling off logs... Oh, Jenny's mom is here to pick you up, have a good time!

Dusty Slay

Dusty Slay on Trailer Parks I grew up in a trailer park in Alabama. We had a pretty good time, but I'm not sure why they called it a 'park.' There weren't no rides in there.

Steven Wright

Steven Wright on Menus I went to a place to eat that said, 'Breakfast served any time.' So I ordered French toast during the Renaissance.

Kristen Schaal

Kristen Schaal on Getting Her Sparkly Jacket I killed a genie to get this jacket. It's only after I cut the jacket off the genie's dead body that I realized I could've simply wished for it. Ugh, I should have wished for hindsight.

Anthony Jeselnik

Anthony Jeselnik on 'Super Mario Bros.' I just read the biography of the guy who invented Super Mario Bros. Did you know that when he was a kid, people used to laugh at him when he would kill turtles with a hammer?

Jerry Seinfeld

Jerry Seinfeld on Public Speaking I saw a study that said that speaking in front of a crowd is considered the number one fear of the average person. Number two was death! Death is number two? This means to the average person that if you have to be at a funeral, you would rather be in the casket than doing the eulogy.

Sarah Silverman

Sarah Silverman on Nutrition Someone told me that carrots are good for your eyes. What they failed to tell me is that you have to take them orally.

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